Have you ever found yourself obsessing about what a colleague thinks of you, and you sideline the opinions or thoughts of your loved ones or people who truly matter? Maybe you’ve compromised your values to fit into a mold you believe will earn you respect or validation from others. While validation can help propel us forward and achieve incredible things, it can also tie us up emotionally when we seek this confirmation from the wrong people or places.
In episode 34 of the Life, Love, and Leadership for Physicians podcast, I discuss the psychology behind the need for validation. You’ll learn where this stems from, recognize when you’re falling into the validation trap, and how to climb out of it.
What is validation?
From a purely psychological point of view, validation is the recognition or affirmation from others that a person’s feelings, behaviors, or opinions are understandable and legitimate. It’s that nod from society or individuals that says, “Hey, you’re doing great.” Validation is a normal part of human needs. We all want to be seen, heard, and valued, but it becomes problematic when seeking it from the wrong places or people. Constantly seeking validation from emotionally unavailable people or places that are inappropriate sets you up for constant disappointment.
Where does this need for validation come from?
From a young age, especially as women, we’re socially conditioned to please, to be polite, and to accommodate others. Then, as we grow up, you add the professional pressures on top of that. Our performance is regularly evaluated and sometimes criticized for reasons we aren’t even aware of. Let’s not also forget about personal insecurities. We’re caught in this vicious cycle of needing to be perfect or good enough and then needing someone else to confirm that for us.
How do we know when we’re seeking validation from the wrong places?
There are four red flags to look out for.
- You’re on an emotional roller coaster that’s tied to other people’s opinions. If your mood oscillates based on what someone else thinks of you, you’re essentially handing over the keys to your emotional well-being. Often, it’s to people who aren’t even aware they’re driving your emotional car.
- You’re compromising your personal or ethical standards for approval from someone else. You’re doing things that go against your values or beliefs just to fit into a mold that you think will bring you validation.
- You feel inadequate despite your achievements. You can be at the top of your game professionally, have a loving family, wonderful kids, beautiful home, and still feel like something’s missing simply because you didn’t get that nod of approval from a particular person or group.
- You feel anxious or uneasy when expressing your thoughts or feelings, and you fear disapproval from others. There’s a sense of hesitation to be your authentic self.
How can we overcome this need for validation?
You can do three things to overcome this cycle of seeking validation from the wrong places.
- Identify and write down whose opinions matter to you. You may find that some people on your list really shouldn’t be there – a critical parent, a judgmental friend, or a supervisor who is never pleased. Ask yourself why their approval is so crucial to you.
- Define your own metrics for success and self-worth. If you’re constantly measuring your worth or someone else’s yardstick, you’ll never feel good enough. What are your values? What are your own goals? What are your dreams? Align your actions with those things, and you’ll find that you’ll become your own best validator.
- Establish the emotional and mental boundaries between yourself and the people or environments that trigger you to need external validation. This isn’t necessarily cutting people off, but understanding where you end and where they begin.
“One of the most liberating moments in life comes from when you realize that you don’t have to be all things to all people. You don’t have to be the perfect doctor, you don’t have to be the perfect leader, you don’t have to be the perfect mom, and you certainly don’t have to be the perfect wife all at the same time. The key is to be authentically you and do your best. That’s where your true power lies.”
Don’t forget to celebrate your small wins. Create your own validating moments by acknowledging and celebrating your accomplishments, even if they’re small. Learn more about my experience with validation and tips for overcoming this cycle in episode 34 of the Life, Love, and Leadership for Physicians podcast.
